Pope nearing his death

Pope John Paul II, is the only pope i knew. He was made the pope in 1978 when I was just 6 years old. No wonder he is the only pope i know. Mom said that the previous pope, John Paul I only made thru being a pope for 33 days.

If you have read the biography of JP II, You would know that he is such an amazing man. A polish - the very first polish to be made Pope. All this time, pope were of Italian descendent.

I am sure right now, catholics world wide are praying for the pope. In a way, I feel sad that Pope JP II will be leaving us soon but if you have seen him on tv and how he has to now struggle to even get thru day by day, maybe its best that he goes to be with the Lord.

He is such a faithful man. A true servant of God, serving till his last hours. Imagine giving your whole life to just serve the Lord. 84 years old, reigning as a pope for over 20 years. Amazing.

JP II is a pope that very much focus on Youth. He started the world youth day. But unfortunately he won't be making it to the next world youth day which is due to be in Aug and in cologne, germany.

I was heard a story how the young people chanted outside JP II JP II in one of the world youth day. it was a lovely story but as age is catching up with me, I can only remember bits and pieces of it. That's the part i hate about ageing, you forget things. I like to capture everything and remember every details. That's me.

I will pray for the pope in his dying moments to have a peaceful death. It was already said that during this hour is itself he is already seeing christ. He is a man with outstanding faith.

The catholic community world wide will also be praying for the next pope and that our church will stay strong and united as before and that the cardinals with God's grace will choose the right next pope.

JP II will always be remembered. Jet setting Pope who travelled 104 out of 159 countries.
He is a man who has left permanent marks on many souls here on earth. He is in his waiting moments to return to the Almighty Father - the one he has been serving truely.

Downtown Houston

Here are some photos of downtown Houston. This was taken on the day when I arrived. Saturday 19th of February 2005.

When I arrived, I called a colleague who was already there for 1 week. Just took a quick shower and headed out. Unfortunately, it was Sat and downtown is dead. Nothing is opened. By the time we went out was about 4pm. Anyways, we went to the aquarium and there was a small little park just oppostie the aquarium.


Park at Downtown . There is a small (looks like monsoon drain) river or so running thru. ... i dunno!!! Not from houston. Pretty romantic place dont' you think??


Aquarium at Downtown. Abit weird that we didn't find out the entrance fees on USD8 is just to view the fishes in the aquarium. My colleague thought that includes the rides besides it. hahah. Anyways.. too big for rides don't you think??

Well, i have more pictures but takes time leh. Coz this hello thingy allows one picture to one blog. And this edit and copy and paste takes time :)

so some preview first.

Breezing thru

Since my feb till now, I have finished 4 books.

3 of course are romance related books

2 by my favourite author : mille criswell
1 by some author I forget.
1 by John Grippano : Pardon ( see not all are romance books)
The curious incident of the dog in the night time by mark Haddon.

of course since i wrote this entry and save it as draft, I am in the midst of reading another one already. :)

Rhinitis and me

Alrighty... my good friend Rhinitis has been giving me problems of late.

Who is this Rhinitis? Well, its that stupid friend that gives me stuffed up nose more often than not. Its a real pain in the !@*#!*@#*!(@&#. I have been having this nose block problem since young but lately since I touched the Big THREE O. Its been worse. I guess in a way, everything gets worse with age.

I have already called it sinus blablbalabla. Then one day, I was describing to the dr, and he told me its called sensitive nose. Alrighty.. a new term. Then I went on to see other drs in the future. Then I told them, do you have any problems.. I will yes sinus. how bad is it? is the very question each of them will ask. then I would say, well the other dr said its sensitive nose. Then he said, " actually the right term for that is Rhinitis". Whatever....

I cannot remember having this constant nose block. Most of the time, the nasal congestion is pretty bad. I can barely breathe freely. Then i started to hate flying coz it cause me really pain in the ear and head when I fly. I resorted to taking lots of nasal decongestion medication. About 1 year plus ago, I had such bad sinus infection that I was on MC for 10 blinking days.. Imagine that. i definitely do not want to go back to that day.

But a dr, told me that even if I were to go for surgery, it won't be guaranteed that it will be cured for life. Sucks huh.

Looks like I am stuck with my good friend, Rhinitis. A friend that gives me hard of breathing sometimes at the cinema, or whenI am having facial, or any place where suddenly I feel lack of air, and i start breathing really really hard. Its scary. I have once left a cinema in a hurry coz i felt the walls was coming in on me and I couldn't breathe. I left just like that to go outside where the air was circulating abit better.

Terrible huh. When I was in Houston, it was slightly better. There were days that it was totally clear and I could breathe and smell freely. Gosh it felt really really nice.

Hopefully, I will be able to find a traditional cure that can alleviate this suffering....

p/s i know I am still guitly of posting entries on my houston trip. hehe. Guilty as charged. Haven't done nuts yet.

Toyota Center - Houston

Toyota Center - Houston


Alrighty!!! It works. Figured out how to post from hello to my blog. Well, ringgit, doesn't need to have the same exact ID.

The above is the Toyota Center, there's where I watched the Houston- Rockets Vs Seattle- Sonic game. This picture was taken from my collegue's office room. not bad huh. Nice view and all.

Sorry I hven't been really up to do doing anything really. And yesterday's team meeting really put me really really extremely down.

hopefully this weekend I am up to at least journaling down my trip.

Abit of update

Alrighty, I arrived home yesterday at 7am in the morn. Its back to the grind today. Almost slept off while driving home from work. Body is going haywire.

I have wanted to write so much in my blog but as days goes on, i forget things so I need time to recollect.

errr thought of putting some pictures.. but stil can't figure out how to send the picture from hello to blogger... damn

too tired to think right now.... probably later on...

Houston Rockets Vs Seattle Sonics

Last nite, after work, the weather was getting chilly and I was getting sleepy.
There are two more malaysians here - well the same rank with me not someone like manager level. Since all 3 of us live in downtown , we usually meet after work and go for dinner.

Yesterday, one of them was invited to watch the Basket game at the Toyota Center which is pretty close to the office. And it was suppose to be boys nite out for his team. But 2 people backed out and he went to ask his boss whether he could bring us. So in the end, his boss, him , myself and another malaysian guy went for dinner and the game.

First we had dinner at this place called Massa. For once, I actually ate more than half of the food served. Imagine that..... The food was delicious.

The game was suppose to start at 7.30pm but we got there abit late and my friend's boss was such a nice guy. Unlike a boss at all. jokes and all. Very kind man. We walked to the Toyota Center and we sat at the higher level of the stadium. Game was good... got to watch all the things they had for the interval. The funny stuff the maskot did. The crowd was so responsive. when the Commentator said to make noise to support their team, they did just that. Asked them to stand, they did just that. Throwing t-shirts to the crowd from the center of the field and all.

It was such a great experience. Thanks to my friend or else I would have ended up sleeping at the hotel. Not sleeping actually, trying to fall asleep is more like it.

p/s I realized what I miss most in the US! I miss the shopping bit esp for beautiful leather shoes and handbags which are so cheap here compared to malaysia and they are my type those chunky heels ones.... mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..........................

Comparison

Okie dokie, so far people has misinterpreted what I meant by unfriendly. Unfriendly in comparison to those americans I have met in the MID WEST and WEST COAST! Got that? I thought I put that in my previous blog too. But I guess people can just choose to filter out what they want to read and understand.

Of course, you as a person is entitled to your own opinion as I am with mine.

People tend to affiliate their experiences to things they encounter. Everyone's experience just isn't the same even if you were at the same place at the same time.

So.... learn to appreciate the difference and not always think that its just the way someone look at things. Maybe its not the way I look at things , its just the way I have experienced things that affects what I think of certain things.

Enough said!

Hello Houston

Hello Houston!

I touched down in Houston on Sat 19th Feb 2pm Houston time. The flight was long and tiring. But at the port entry which is Dallas Forth Worth airport. I went thru the immigration pretty quick and with no hassle either. A malay colleague was right infront of me and she breezed thru it too.

So all the worries for nothing. I know I know - what you're going to say ringgit.

Anyhow, I realized I miss the USA alot but I find the TEXANS arrogant and unfriendly. So unlike the MidWestern and the Cali people. I miss the feeling of carefreeness and alot of other things. I just miss it thats all I can say. So its a great opportunity to be back here but if it was permanent it would have been better. But beggers can't be choosers so take what you can get.

The portion of food is huge here. I can barely finish my meal everytime. Its such a waste. And I have been awake for more thatn 24 hours now. Its scary. Coz I can't sleep.......... Still jetlag.

Will write more later....
downtown is dead... should have stayed at uptown... the happening place.

Almost the end of the road....

Alpha is almost at its end. But unfortunately, I will missing quite a number of topics as I will be away. one of the most important topics which I really really wanted to know was " What do I want to be for the rest of my life" But unfortunately, that one will be held at the away weekend which I have paid but unable to go. Hence I am giving it away to anyone who wants to go but can't afford it.

But my friend who is one of the facilitator said that I can go for the next new session and specifically attend the topics which I missed in this session. lets see how it goes.

The last topic discussed was How does God Guide us? which I find pretty good.
I have to say that eventhough I have had my doubts along my journey of faith but I can at times that God is holding my hand and guiding me. Eventhough I may not like the outcome sometimes.

Sometimes when I am angry with God, I realized that I can never hate Him. Coz I still go back to Him no matter what. He is our heavenly Father who has craved us at the palm of His hand. I think no father would want the worse for His children.

I am blessed to have him guide me. I am blessed that he has given so much. Even little things like parking space when I am dire need of it, I say a short prayer...

May my faith always stay true.

Been Fooled

Remember my previous blog? I wrote about the new seating arrangement in the open concept office? BLOOODEEEE HECK! I got con!

Those two twirps fooled me. They actually hadn't seen the plan. But they lied to me, one of them confessed before I left from work today. He said since you're going off, I going to tell you that we lied to you about the seating arrangement. We didn't seen it YET eventhought the TL promise she will show it to us..

Cheezzzeee I got Fooled. and its not even April fool's day yet.

So peeps there's still hope.... pray pray pray....

Pray for me good trip too..

Ciao....

Bad News

Just this afternoon I received some bad news. If you remember in an earlier post, I mentioned that I was praying hard that I won't have to sit with Bonnie M? Well i have bad news, Not only I will be sitting next to bonnie M but my face will be infront of me and my team lead on my other side. Doom man... and my monitor will facing the aisle.... main aisle whats more. So people have you been praying for me? Guess not huh!?!?!?!

totally depressed. On top of that, I am due to leave on a business trip tomorrow and I am having this nasal congestion. How to travel? Damn I hate it... when things goes bad, it just gets worse.

Losing the inches

Sigh, yesterday I felt abit depressed. Why? coz its the first time I have measured my waist since I quit gym about 1 year + ago. Guess what!!! OMG! Its grown 3 inches!!!

Damn! Got to do something about this soon. Or else it will keep expanding and I will be an obese person walking down the streets. Can't let that happen.

I will have to formulate an exercise routine soon. But joining another gym is totally out of the question lah! got to save and not spend more money! Thought of joining yoga! But that doesn't make you lose weight.... damn....

Okie adding to my list of things to do!!! Loose the bloodee inches.

Also, I think I should give up the word SHIT! for Lent! wonder if I will be successful hahahha! SHIT SHIT SHIT.. lets say it until I am puas now! Lent begins now for 40 days and then comes Good friday and then Easter!!!!!!!!! How fast time flies... dang!

ke-ching!!!!!

Alrighty!!!!! Its already that 5th day of CNY. Tomorrow its back to work.. sucks man. But what choice loh. I need to settle somethings at work tomorrow. Abit scary if you ask me as time is running out.....

This year's CNY collection is not bad wor!!!! Ke-ching ! Ke-ching! XXX figure wor!
Can cover the cost of my boots hehehe yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.. but of course I will be putting it all in the bank ;P HAHA! Yeah rite!

I'm not crazy but I'm just a little unwell...

Have heard that before , you must have, it plays on the radio occassionally and sung by match box 20.

I'm not crazy but I'm a just a little unwell..... :)

This caught me one day when I driving to work. I was also feeling depressed then I realized that sometimes we say a person is crazy la siow lah.. blablabla lah... but then its a nice way to look at it that the person isn't crazy , just feeling unwell at that particular phase of his/her life.

I like it... :)

Constantine

Yesterday, i went to watch Constantine with my friends at MV. Well, the movie was not too bad esp when you have a handsome guy to look at. Well I have to say keanu reeves being 41, he still look really really good!!!!!!

The story itself is quite intriguing but of course how Angle Gabriel was depicted in the movie isn't very nice. Anyways, should just watch just as a form of entertainment. I like the part where the movie ended with the phrase - God works in mysterious ways. Isnt that true?

My Once A Upon a Time Life

Sometimes I think about the phases of my life that I went through. Its not easy really living thru the years.Sometimes I dont' know what I am living for. I walk thru life in a state of blurness, if there is such a word.

There's the Primary school phase, I can't remember much about it but I remember some of the faces esp those who were in my circle of friends. sometimes, out of the blue, I will think about them. Its amazing, how I can still picture how they look like very clearly. That's the amazing part of my memory. I can remember faces very well. But I can also say, of late I choose to remember things I want to remember. There were some significant events during that part of my growing up. I remember during standard 4, going to school with a big patch of bandage on the left of my face. Couple of stitches due to the reason, I fell from the bike being the pillion not the rider. My brother was the rider. Bike as in Bicycle. Anyways, that scared me for life. Even when I started working, people saw the scar as fresh. Some even asked me whether it was just recently I had the fall and when did it happen. How to explain hor, that it happened when I was in primary school?

of course, from the age of 5, I learnt ballet, piano, organ - you name it. I enjoyed ballet classes till I ws 12, almost completed all the stages they had but due to the constant complaining of stomach ache, my mother decided, its not good for me so I quit. Piano continued till I finished grade 8, I even started the diploma classes half way, then I quit. Why? Coz I didn't know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I finished Grade 8 when I was in form 4. Well what do you expect, I started piano when I was 5!!!!.

sometimes when I think back, I had the opportunity to choose a different path, like maybe be a piano teacher or something. But at the point in my life, I just didn't want that. I wanted the glamourous life of the corporate world. Did I really?
From standard 4 till standard 6, I was a prefect in school. Then in standard 6, I was elected to be the head prefect for the school. So young yet the responsibility so high. Maybe that really cultivated the serious nature in me which till today I can't shrug it away.
Secondary school, move from a saint named school to a methodis girls school.... Some of my primary school friends were in the same school too. But we were not in the same class. Funny, how my mind always drift back to the times in secondary school sometimes. I remember faces, the happy times, the sad times, the times that changed my life forever. Its so important what the teachers say to you during that time. How my confidence was crushed and was never recovered totally. I should spend more time going thru the times of my childhood maybe then I will be able to identify what made me like this.

Almost made the head school girl again when I went back during Frm 6 but i didn't want it, didn't even want to be a prefect anymore.Tired of it lah. almost my whole school life I was a prefect. never can break rules but always have to uphold them. So I declined the position of a head girl but remained a prefect until the day I left secondary school. I was a sprinter in school. Also Badminton and netball were my games. As for netball, I always played center - a role where you have to run alot. but i like it. I want to share with you this experience I feel when I run. I feel so free so spirited. So light, so free from all the burdens. But I used to suffer alot too. I used to have knee pain all the time. When it rains sometimes my knee feels like so painful - almost like someone who has rhumetism. At least its much better now.

That was my life during my childhood days. If my parents didn't stop me from being so involved in games, I would have maybe taken a different path. I would say that my parents decision, has actually affected my decisions on being what I want and being what they want me to be. This goes on even till university. Being born in an asian culture, we are so torn in respecting our parents decision or in following what our heart tells us.

This career wasn't one which I would have chosen for myself. Before I left for the States to study, I told my father that I like psychology. I like dealing with learning about people, about society, about the things that deal with communication. I wanted to Study Psychology. You know what he told me? If you were to use my money and I am to send you so far for your education, I will not allow you to study psychology. so it was either accounting or computer sc. I hate math. I hate math I hate math..... But I had no choice, do I did it. I compromised, I did a major in Management Information Systems. I would say that I breezed thru the humantities class, the social sciences class and the business class with no problem. No problem with math either - algebra, calculus. Basically I did very well in Univeristy. Abit of struggling with programming tho - had a really traumatic experience there but I did okay I would say. But I still am afraid of it.. Its plagued me all this while and still is plaguing me. I still am not able to cross that hurdle that my very first manager told me. I see in you, you can do it.... once you cross that hurdle you will do well. I cant' cross that hurdle, i still have nightmares about it.
Over the years, I lost touch with the person inside me. I dont' even know who I want to be anymore? I long for a life far from the corporate world. But due to the demands of this world, I have to carry on.

But life shouldn't be that way. right? There should be more to all this.... Will I ever find courage to cross the hurdles placed infront of me. Will I ever be able to bury "fear" from my life and move on with faith and courage? Only time will tell.

How much for a hair cut?

Just came to my mind that I had watned to write about this but unfortuatnely due to restriction on internet access it kept slipping my mind when i am actually infront of a pc.

Recently before chinese new year, my friend went to Mid Valley. She went there to get herself a hair cut and to color her hair. Guess how much did it cost her?!?!?!?!? RM400!!!!!! okay I have to say the highlights as what she calls it is very nice. But isn't it a hole in the pocket to spend so much on your hair???

Do you know how much I spend on my hair cut? Just wash and cut? RM12 !!!!! hahaha yeah exactly and if i wanted to go somewhere more expensive its about 30 ringgit. That's all I spend.
If i had a perm , i would have cost me 100+ but less than 150.

So I don't think I can bring myself to spending RM400 on my hair!!!!

I have colored my hari before but I bought it from the pharmacy and did it myself! Which I felt turned out pretty well too.

But since close to 3 years now, I haven't colored my hair nor perm my hair.... due to some reason which I don't care to mention in my blog....

I am not bad mouthing my friend but I have to say this though. She always complains that she doesn't have money and she has maxed out her credit card but she she still has the heart to spend so much on her hair. Amazing mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..................

Anyways... there is onething I have had to tahan each time I went out with her and her sister is that they always try to parasite on people. like pretending to pay you back for the movie tickets or the meals when one person paid first. Initially when that happened, I didn't quite bother, I thought maybe they genuinely forgot loh. But after that day when i found out about the 400 ringgit hair dressing escapade, I realized.... i am the bodoh one!

How the 1st Day went?

Well, i had the worse nite last nite. The stupid FireWORKS and not firecrackers was blasting till almost 2am. 2 of my inconsiderate neighbours kept playing chain fireworks the whole bloodee nite. It finally stopped at around 2am. And I found out from my mom, a police patrol car did turn up hahaha. Server those buggers right!!!!

On top of it all, its Ash Wednesday and have to wake up by 6.30am to be in church by 7am for mass. As that's the only mass for Ash wednesday and the next one is for CNY mass which is 9am and the other Ash Wed mass is in the evening. I didn't have enough sleep, it really cheeses me off.

Came back from church I haven't sat down till now. Had to help mom with alot of things as relatives comes over on the first day and friends too......... well, I haven't had friends visiting me since the day I left school so it doesn't make much different :P

Stood the whole morning frying this sotong balls. Have to put it in egg yolk and then in the jacob cracker ( which I had to pound to find power like). Then fry.. all bloodee 4 packs ah.. dont' play-play. So now my feet is aching.

That's the first day of new year... what a start...

3 Significant Event today

Today symbolizes 3 main events. Firstly, its my dad's birthday. Secondly, its chinese new year eve and thirdly, its my sis-in-law 6 months death anivesary.

Today as its both CNY and my dad's birthday, we will be having the usual potluck at my uncle's place. Maternal side. We have stopped going to our paternal side after my step grandmother decided that she is too unwell to be visited by us and she rather spend it with HER daughters. Anyways, doesn't affect my life :) . My grandfather passed away the final year of my university abroad so i never did get a chance to attend his funeral that was abouot 9 years ago now. But I remember offerring a mass for him and I did speak to the Priest at the Catholic Student Center.

CNY doesn't really have much impact in my life these days esp after I grew up in a sense. I used to look forward to CNY but these days , I only look forward to it becoz its public holiday and we get two of it.

this year, I only got 1 pair of new outfit, but its work attire. Sigh.... didn't really find anything nice and furthermore. .imagine everyone will be wearing the same old stuff... that's the bad part about commerialized goods.

Anyways.. may this year bring us alot of prosperity and good luck and good health.
And may this year be the year I find the mission in my life.

GoD Bless.

Chic Lit

Yesterday I was at the mall, I went to the bookshop.
If you have read odissi's blog before she posted about this book Elegance by Kathleen Tessaro. I wanted to get that book. I walked around the fiction section and I couldn't locate it. Then walked sommore and bingo! i saw the book. Guess what beside the book there was this shelf label sticking out that states : CHIC LIT.

Never knew such category existed. HAHAHA. Ringgit was there too and he was surprised there is such a thing called Chic Lit.

something new to add to your vocabulary.......

Food for Thought

Recently, I have had alot of thoughts that I felt i should blog down. But due to some reason, not being able to get online everyday, I was not able to. As you all know, sometimes you have these great thoughts and wished that you could pen it down immediately. Coz you're afraid you might just forget it... thats what happened to me.

I leave for work pretty early in the morning and when i reach home its almost dark. I was in a traffic queue after work today and this car infront of me had this bumper sticker which read

There are No Great Things. Only Simple things with Great love

Isn't that a beautiful phrase? I guess you don't need to do great things in life, just do things with love. Then again, I hate working life so how can i do it with love hehehe. Go figure!

Then just a few days ago, I was driving to work and it was still pitch dark - around 710am and i was at the traffice lights and I turn to my left and saw this words as part of the billboard. I couldn't read the first part but only the tail end part of it and it read "Hidup ini mesti ceria"
Interesting huh? Did you guess what ad it was for? Well, Cabdury Chocolate!!!!! :) Isn't that cool?? I am sure you guys have driven pass this billboard many times but yet didn't really see it.

Okie I have to make my hidup more ceria.

I have to admit, the missing link is still missing in my life. Yesterday, I went to alpha and had a chance to speak to Lynda, the lady who intro me to Alpha. I mentioned to her that recently I feel very distant frm God. She asked me " You feel like there is a missing link?" I said yes exactly that. She said its good that you recognize that, pray that God will open your eyes and ears and heart. Ask him to help you cross that link to be closer to Him. Now that's a mission!!!!

Just a little update on Bonnie M, I guess I only have to tolerate him for another month before we move floors. Well I am gonna be positive that I won't be placed near him. Please Lord, please help me. Or else I might just go insane.....

Reading Materials

Does what you read, show what sort of person you are? Maybe you can tell me whether there is any correlation btwn the two?

I have to say that my reading behavior tend to skew more to the romance sort of category. Hey!, What can I say, I am die hard romantic. I dream too much ,I think. So these books sort of give me the lead to dream and fantasize. Well its not like i don't read other types of books but majority of what I read tend to fall into this category, though.

Anyways, since its a new year and all, I told myself that I would like to make it point to stay away from these "romance" sorta books. But alas, its not working well so far. Well, I try to borrow books from those book rental shops. I usually go to the one in Bangsar, its kinda small and crammed up but the good part is if you want a book and its not in the shelfs and its out with some other customers, they will call you once the book gets checked in. Pretty good aye?

Ok, i went there this month, returned the Da Vincci Code by Dan Brown. You should see how, as soon as I returned the book walked away from the counter, the lady picks up the phone and start dialing. Then I heard her say, ".... the book you wanted Da Vincci Code is in.. when can you come by to pick up?" WA LAU EH.. talk about being efficient.

Like I said before, I wanted a new start in this new year. Maybe a new reading habit would do me good. But a drastic change would probably put me into a serious withdrawal state. So I decided, fine, I would borrow 2 books, one romance and the other... some other sort. Okie, I had no choice but to get the shop assistant to help me out. So she recommended this book called.. The avenger or something like that.. haha. That shows I haven't read it yet. But I have finished the romance one already like 2 days after I borrowed it.

Then yesterday, I was at SJ, waiting for a friend to show up dinner. Since I finish work at 4pm on fridays, I got there earlier. I need to kill time, so i went to this readers corner.. Talk about wanting to escape the "romance" category of books. You can't, its everywhere... aisles and aisles of it. As fate has it, I had to give in to temptation. I borrowed 2 instead of 1. hehehe.

Anyhow, I will be stronger the next time I return the books :) but at least I still have The Avenger one to read , rito? I, at least made the effort. WAHAHAHAHA.

Obesity

Recently, I have been looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, I really need to do something about all these love handles. Sometimes when I walk I feel like my tighs are rubbing together. That really scares me mannnnnnnnnnnn........... I dont' want to be fat!!!! Seriously, I have nothing against people are on the heavier side but I feel its to difficult to be in that category at times. Don't you think so?

Have you observed how tired they are even when they take a short walk. Every step seems like a torture. Even sitting and getting up.

I am not skinny and I only can recall that during my primary and secondary school i was on the slim slide. This was becoz I used to be active in sports - netball ( playing center, had to run alot), badminton, Sprinting - 100 and 200 meters. Those were my sports. But years are catching up with me, I hardly even walk much these days, maybe in the shopping mall and from the car park to my office.

This is really worrying as I DO NOT want to be in the obese category. I mean I have a pouch and sometimes when I sit for long periods, it gets a bit uncomfortable - like when the waistband on your pants just cuts to your flesh? Maybe not cut, but you know what I mean.

I need to seriously do something about it. Since quitting gym about 1 year ago... sigh.. I haven't found something focus my energy on.

Bottom line is I better do something about this before its too late. Esp with age catching up, its even harder to lose that love handles.

Thinking

Lately, I have been thinking about alot of things. Just last nite, I had a dream about friends from secondary school whom I have not even seen in a long long time. Its weird. Totally weird and I can even remember their faces in my dream. I wake up at wee hours of the morning when my body tells me that its not ready to move nor been awaken yet.

I am the sort of person that hardly have a good night sleep these days. My facial lady also told me that my complexion is getting worse and the dark ring around the eyes never seem to go away. Mind you, I have been going to this lady for the past 8 years. Long time huh.

I thought back about why I can't seem to sleep. I think its slightly better than before, the months when I was working at that place eventhough it was only for 3 months. Every night I hardly slept. I remember clutching my rosary at night and praying and asking God to take this away from me esp my fear - the fear of facing another day. Since that time, I think I am slightly better but not totally.

a little out of the topic...............
I remember a person once told me there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. People who are alone - usually choose to be alone. They enjoy the company of the so call alone-ness. Loneliness on the other hand comes mainly from the inside. Its like something really hollow within you. Its like a void inside of you. Dark and quiet. Thats how I feel it sometimes.

But to be frank, I am alone most of the time. I can say that sometimes I enjoy being alone. I dine alone at times even for dinner. Well actually its more than " at times". Its quite often. I dont' care that people stare me or whatever. I am okay with it. But sometimes when the feeling of loneliness engulfs me, I really wished I have company then.

Wouldn't it be great to have someone beside you, walking with you through this journey of life? A journey that seem so long sometimes and filled with trials and turbulence. Tough.

i know I think alot but frankly, my mind just can't cease from thinking. Every waking moment, its working. And not only waking moment , even when I am asleep too. Sigh.

Mysterious Ways

2 Tuesdays ago, I was not feeling well hence I skipped Alpha. Also since I live so far away, I was really really tired almost everyday when I drive back. Also its those days when you tend to think too much and just don't feel like doing the stuff you're doing anymore.

Well, being sick and all, I was also pondering about how tired I am most of the days, so I decided that I will just buy the Alpha DVD and then just do it on my own. For me thats the portion that's really interest me and of course the books I buy.

Then on this monday, I called the number that the lady gave me, but but but the voice on the other end said that the number is no longer valid. Service has ended. Oh goodness.... why did that lady give me a phone number which is no longer valid.

So having no choice, I went for alpha the next day. The first thing I did was to approach the lady and asked her about the phone no. She said oh, we just moved out this week. I was like DANG!

Then thinking further, I thought maybe its all part of God's plan, He doesn't want me to stop going for Alpha so he decided upon this. I bought the DVD anyways. Then during the sharing session after the video session, I shared with my group this.. and I said call it what you want, but don't you think it was a SIGN!!!!

Mysterious huh.......................

Anyways, lately I haven't been feeling really good. About alot of things. This week is kinda bad. I have even decided to talk very much less to my room mate at work which happens to Bonnie M who adds to my misery. So if you're reading this, keep me in your prayers................

American Idol New season

After I took Clarinase last nite, I couldn't sleep. All of a sudden, I just felt so fresh haahhaa.
Maybe becoz my nose started to clear.

I was watching tv and it happened to be American Idol New Season- Audition 2. I was thinking when I was watching, these americans are really brave to make a fool out of themselves. Some of them were so over confident hahaha. But they really really couldn't sing mannnnnnnnnnn....

The thought was running thru my head, I can't imagine being the judge. Maybe now I understand why Simon is so cranky and sarcastic most of the time. Just put yourselves in their shoes, imagine having to put yourself thru those excruciating moments. You can't laugh esp when you're face to face with the contestants... heheh eventhough you're dying to. Your face is about to burst trying to contain the laughter...

Even myself as a viewer at home was laughing like crazy.. hahahaa...

See... that is why I never want to put myself thru that if I did, i think i can never ever get over it.. hahahaha...

Yeah that is why up to today, I am still a kuci muci rat..... at the bottom of the corporate ladder.

The Flu Bug

Alrighty, Its Sat nite, here I am sitting donating my blood to the mosquitoes and nursing this flu. This morning, I was perfectly fine. All of a sudden, after my shower this evening, I started to sneeze and now my nose is pretty much stuffed up.

Tonight is going to be hell. Its bad enough that I have sensitive nose which have me breathing thru my mouth most of the nites since its pretty much not functioning properly as its suppose to be. Eg one side blocked while the other side is barely operable. Get my drift.

Well I have to be really really careful when i get flu. I don't wnat what happened in year 2003 to happen again. 1o days of blinking MC becos of a flu turned sinus infection which almost caused me to have a surgery. Thank God the E&T specialist was good enough and his medication healed me in 3 days.....

What can I say, I pretty much have nothing to do - like most nites. So i decided to write some crap in this blog of mine.

I really do admire those people including G&G who takes time to really beautify their blogs with pictures and custome made templates heehehe.

Maybe maybe just maybe when I am just not me, I might just do that. :)

Tomorrow is sunday, a day which most working adult hates. But what can I say, I need the dough to get going in this world, unless I have already made up my mind about leaving the material world.

Well, there's always still tomorrow to brood....

Given in to Temptation

Sigh.... It won in the end. My will was not strong enough to prevent it from happening.

I told ringgit before that I saw this pair of boots that coz quite a hefty some of money and I was thinking very hard on whether i should buy it. I think its not been more than 1 month. Today I went to the store at KLCC and the shoe is gone!!! Sold out... they only have brown color but I dont' want that color.. its difficult to match. I want black....

So that really made me make up my mind. So I decided to drive all the way to 1 U coz I know I saw it there also. I went there , straight to the store, very focus wor. And I purchased the black color one in size 7. Eventhough the left side of the shoe - not so smooth lah the leather.. but what to do........................................... I didn't want to have sleepless nites about it hehehee.

Really Siow. Next month, eat bread and drink water only. Got to save liao...

Or else there goes my dream of going to Rome......................

The Traffic Cops

I work in the heart of the City. Sometimes, its good, coz its feels like you're so much part of the cosmopolitan world then again sometimes it just gets to your nerves esp the traffic.

For the past few days, the traffic has been horrendous. I leave home at 6.40am in the morning, sometimes 5 minutes late will cause alot of difference. For the past few days I arrived at the office like 5 min to 8am. I start work at 8am. So i have to quickly go to the cafetaria at 6th floor to eat.... and the food is pricey and sucky :(.

To go home too, it takes like almost an hour to get out of the city area. Beh tahan! worse thing is there are cops at the traffic lights but not manning traffic but busy summoning people. Sigh. With that when they stop the cars, its already blocking off 1 lane. Left with the two lanes and to top that up , its knock off hours traffic. Can you imagine how bad that is....

Gosh i drive automatic car but my knee still hurts like crap.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ranch Dressing

I love Ranch dressing. What is it? Dressing that you put on your salad!!!! :P
Well, i don't care what people say about ranch dressing - its fatting, its too rich. Whatever, its still my favourite dressing.

You can hardly find Ranch Dressing here in Malaysia. The more popular ones are Thousand Island, French dressing blablablaa. Anyways, I found it here at TMC but it cost bloodeee 22 ringgit. ain't worth it man.............

The last ones I had were purchased by friends for me from singapore and USA. Both cheap cheap in those countries leh..... But here gosh... i don't think I can swallow 22 ringgit ranch dressing.

How depressing..................

Remembering Her.....

For the past few days, I have been thinking about her. When I do, tears just welled up in my eyes. Even when I am driving , sometimes the thought of her just shows up in my mind. Its been like that off and on since 8th September 2004.

Its been 3+ months since Sarah departed from us. Sometimes just thinking about her, I can see her smile, I remember her walk, her laughter, her eyes. I see her the image of her when she was healthy and also the image of when she was really really ill. Almost unrecognizable and even her daugther said she looked like an alien. That was how bad the disease was eating her up.

Even now writing this, my tears cannot stop flowing. I wonder really, it has been so hard for me to even think about her without crying, I wonder how is it like for my brother and the children? My brother is probably sufferring in silence.

Recently, Anthony heard the song coco mo ( i dont' know whats the exact title of the song), the one that goes, "theres a place call coco mo, and there's where I wanna go....." was playing on the radio and he quickly ran to my mom telling her " That's my mummy's favourite song" and then he said, I miss my mummy. My mom asked him, Do you miss ah ma? He said, I see ah ma everyday how I can miss ah ma. So he understands the meaning of missing. Missing someone who will never be back to hold him , to cuddle him.

I hope my memories of her will always stay fresh in my mind. Even in years to come, i want the memories to remain fresh in my mind..... I dont' want it to fade.

I hate it when people say, Life goes on, move on with life... Yes thats true. But if they never really went thru it how would they know. Yes you move on with life, but it will always be part of you, you think back, you miss the moments. You miss that person who has been part of your family, part of your every life and now no longer be able to share it with you.

Eventhough we are not blood related but still.. there is a tie.
I cannot imagine one day when its time for my parents to depart this world, what state would I be in then.

I miss her. I wish I could bring back the times and let her know that I care..... I think she knows in a way, coz I had visions of her from the time her body was brought back to the house till the day she was burried. On the morning of the funeral, I saw a vision of her waving to me with Jesus standing at the back. I know she is with Jesus.

I miss you , Sarah.
Keep watching us from above. Keep the children safe and Koko safe too...

Feeling Left Behind

This morning, I had the wedding mass to attend. All the way, to Holy Rosary Church in Brickfields. Anyways, I feel so left behind , each time I attend a wedding. One by one friends I knew from Choice is getting married. I feel so SAD :(

Seeing some of them already becoming mummy it just reminded me of the time when I attended their wedding, didn't seem like so long ago.

I hate it.. I hate it.. I hate the feeling!!!!!

I watched Bridget Jones Diary - the part II. At the end she will get married too and she mentioned that at 33 there is still hope in finding happiness.!!!!! Please let that be true!

The Leisure Ladies

Today marks the last day of my training. Its also Friday. As I sat at the coffee shop, eating my nasi lemak and drinking my hot milo, I was observing the people around.

Right infront of me were 4 ladies, i would say they are much older than me. Than again, I might not know, they might look older but they might actually be younger :P. Anyways, I have always enjoyed " naturalist observation". There were dressed in workout outfits. Some rich poh poh must be. Anyways, they were sitting down chatting but I could hear that their conversation only goes around money. How much is this lah is that lah. blablba... And one lady showing off what she bought. And this is just 8.30am!?!?!? when I am still thinking what heck the meaning of life is to me. What the heck works means to me. Mama mia...

I feel jealous, i wish I can be a lady of leisure too. No need to worry, just go about with my daily life , doing things that I like and of course enjoy yet there is no need to worry about money troubles. Wouldn't that be a bliss..

Today ends the training session. I have to say, eventhough the training was too advanced for me but at least the instructor was not bad looking hahahaa..

but I feel darn tired.

The Ugly side of our society

So there, Tsunami has already happened. Everywhere till today, the news is still focusing on the after math of the event. Organizations are still collecting money and such.
We hear about all these generous malaysians - donating money and also used clothes.

Hmmm... so generous rite until they actually donate old underwear, false teeth... Whats up with that man. Electrical appliances that don't work no more is being donated, or faulty ones that almost took someone's life. That is really shallow man. They think of this donating thingy as their dumping ground. So sad to say these are my fellow countrymen. Almost embarassed to even say it or to be afiliated with them.

As I have been away for training this week i found another ugly side of these so called professionals. As we all know, everyone likes it when we can actually claim our mileages when we go training and such or meals what so ever. But i can't believe it how people actually react to these so called freebies.

We are not even sure yet whehter this can be claimed as we are receiving different information from long time employees whom are also in the training. But some really kiasu ppl already like spend like as though they can claim. Worse thing is this indian guy well actually he is the male bonnie I was talking about in my previous blogs. Anyways, after he and this other malay guy found out can claim for lunch also ( we are just assuming that the information given is true), they bought 2 burgers for lunch and ate like pigs. I am just thinking Bonnie M doesn't even eat lunch sometimes coz he wants to save money. But when people offer him food or anything he will grab and grab.

This is not the first time I have seen this behaviour in Bonnie M. Even when we went for orientation, he tah pow the food back. My Goodness.. I am sure the company pays him reasonable pay. I think this is just a northern thingy. People from north very kiam siap. Anyways...... i am so shy to be seen with people like that. Really behave like uneducated people lah.

I hate this ugly side of asians.... why do we need to be like that.. Why do we need to be behave really like second class people and just affirms what the westerners think about us?!?!?!

What is Alpha

Alrighty, since I wrote about Alpha, some has asked me what it is? :)
So jackey, here is what the brochure wrote :). I will attempt to add value to what is said in the brochure but then again I am new too to this program.

Okie dokie, I will cut and paste the information i got. At least that's the formal one, heheh.

What is Alpha?
The Alpha Course is an 11 week practical introduction to the Christian faith. It is relaxed, non-threatening, thought-provoking, friendly and fun. Listen, learn, discuss and discover. Ask anything. Alpha is a place where no question is regarded as too simple or too hostile.

Who is Alpha for?
Alpha is for everyone, especially
those who want to find out more about Christianity
new Christians
those who want to brush up on the basics
those who want to be more effective in sharing their Christian faith

What is involved?
The Alpha Course consists of a series of fourteen video talks by Nicky Gumbel (see schedule at the back). After each talk, participants are divided into small groups for a time of discussion and interaction. A meal and refreshments will be served at each session.

What will it cost?
There is no charge for Alpha although freewill contributions are welcome.


So you ask, why then does mystic_grey needs to go. She is already a christian. Let me share with you why I was interested in this program. What caught my eye.

There are a few topics which are discussed in Alpha program and during the introductory program... it was mentioned... Everyone has Questions about life!!!! YUP YUP YUP thats me.... blinking like a bright bulb.

And one of the topics listed was "How Can I make the most of the rest of my life?"

Yes thats what i want to know! I have mentioned to friends before that I feel like my life is meaningless. Last year was the worse year of my life. The year where I even considered ending my life. Ironically that was also the year that I felt God presence so close to me like I never felt before. I have been questioning about life for a long time and my purpose here.

Couple of years ago, I was so adamant to find out more about what does it mean for me being a christian; not only as a Christian but also as a Catholic. Maybe its good that I give a bit of background of how I became a Christian.

My mom has always been a catholic. Her whole life, all her sibillings up to her grandmother; my great grandmother. When mom married dad (who is by the way, a free thinker and still is), she didn't go regularly to church anymore. But we have always been taught about her faith. About how to say our father, hail marys , about st.anne's feast and such. When I was in standard 4 , I decided to go to sunday school - following one of my friends. My mom wasn't too happy about the idea as she thought that now, the priest and all will come after her for not sending us for sunday school. It was the one and only one sunday school class i attended.

Then I guess God opened up her heart, when I was in secondary school, I went to learn with a sister at the convent school together with my elder brother and my sister. My younger brother, was the only special person :) well he went to sunday school, baptised when he was young. Even before that day, I went regularly to church. I found my belief.

I was asked once during my philosophy class by the professor : you're a christian, how do you know there's a God! You haven't seen God before. I remembered clearly the answer I gave him. I said, yes I haven't seen God but its like the air, do you see it? you don't right? yet you know its there, you know of its existence. That's how God is. You just know and its faith.

DEEEP huh!!! i remember that till today.

Back to the story, its not easy being a catholic nor a christian, every step of the way, you're scrutinized. People watch you closely - to point out the mistakes that you do and always the infamous phrase " But you're a Christian" yea I am a christian but I am also human. Everyday I strive to be good christian. Also being a catholic who was baptised only when I was a teenager, you get fellow catholics asking you " ooooohhh so you're not a cradle catholic" whatever that means... so who's born a catholic :P At least I had the chance to choose my faith and a faith I know I would follow throughout my life.

My journey as a Christian has its ups and downs. Some days I am just way high up there spiritually, some times I am just down to the pits. Couple of years ago, I decided, I want to be involve in the church, to know the community that I am part of. So it began - a journey of search. That year, I took the discipleship class, tough tough... read the bible, do home work, attend weekly classes. then after that I took the sign language class with the hearing impaired ministry. Still search for which ministry God wants me to serve. On top of that, I also went for Choice. Choice is another story :) but its the ministry for single adults. A ministry where I served for 3 years.... and then recently decided to find something else... I am still searching for the ministry God wants me to serve.

See even as a baptised Catholic, I still search for answers. Therefore alpha I believe will unearth things I never knew before or knew but never put it into the right place.

I am not perfect nor am I all knowing about my faith. I am not ashame to say this as I believe - Any sort of knowledge will help me grow closer too God.

This Alpha program is actually a Protestan program but now its reached the shores of the catholic church and its all about faith not about whether you're catholic , protestan or .... other denomination. Jesus is for everyone.

Nicky Gumble is the person who pioneered the Alpha program. He wasn't a christian before but now he is and pastor whats more. The things he says truely makes sense.

In one of the books - Why Jesus? he wrote this.

Christianity is first and foremost about relationships rather than rules. It is about a person more than a philosophy. Its about the most important relationship of all : our relationship with God who made us. .........

Why do we need HIM?

You and I were created to live in a relationsip with God. Until we find that relationship there will always be something missing in our lives. As a result, we are often aware of a gap. One rock singer described it by saying: " I 've got an emptiness deep inside"........... People try to fill this emptiness in various ways. Some try to close the gap with money, but that does not satisfy... Others try drugs or excess alcohol or secual promiscuity..... ................. Nothing will fill this gap excet the relationship with God for which we were made....

So do you think its true? I think thats so rite. I feel that emptiness inside me eventhough I know God. maybe I dont' know God deep enough. Maybe I dont' trust enough. Or maybe my relationship with HIM isn't deep enough. Yes, that's my goal to build a closer relationship with HIM.

Like I told a friend before, I want to do something where by the end of the day, I feel that I have done a good job , helped someone, changed someone's life or even to have the slightest impact in another person's life. Wouldn't life be worth living then?

Prayer of Abandonment

Today in the church bulletin this was in it...

PRAYER OF ABANDONMENT

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;

do with me what you will.

Whatever you may do, I thank you: I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures

- I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;

I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,

for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,

to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,

and with boundless confidence,

for you are my Father.

- Charles de Foucauld.

I have no idea who Charles de Foucauld is but this prayer is really meaningful. I need to say this more often as to surrender myself to God so that I will be able to hear HIM speak to me regarding this will.

I truely admire people who can write such beautiful prayers. I only speak to God directly as I am not fanciful with my words.... maybe one day I will be able to write such beautiful prayer and dedicate it to my Lord.

Fr. G's last sermon at our parish

As usual, at 6.30am I woke up to attend mass at 7.30am. You must be wondering why so early.. Coz i need to leave my house by 7am inorder for my granny who is over 80 years old to get a seat at the front pew.

For years I have been attending church at this hour. During my years as a church goer, I have to admit there were times where I tried to sneak a few winks, or sometimes trying to hide behind the person in the front pew so that the priest who is standing at the altar upfront dont' catch me sleeping or rather napping!?!?

But of course, the years where I was away from home; studying in the US, I went to church at a much later time. Not becoz i couldn't wake up but their mass times are much later. Well, I could choose not to go church rite? Away from parents and such but I WANTED to go. As there's the only place I can draw strength from God and feel renewed to start another week on this earthly place.

But in the recent years, God has been good, He sent us really dynamic and those really really charasmatic priest. FR. G is one of them. He has been with us almost 4 years now. He was previously based in penang at the college general (well this college is for upcoming priest) as a lecturer. I bet he is a good one. He knows the bible so well and his interpretation is fantabulous. I will that. Over these 4 years, I have enjoyed his every sermon. Further to that, Fr. G sings really well too. He has a deep voice.... He sings during the consecration and also during the times where the mass ended and he is giving his blessings.

I will miss Fr. G. But Fr. G is someone who is huge. When I say huge i mean in size too ah! Meaning he is tall and big. He can be quite intimidating. He has proud streak in him too. But I want to look beyond that. I haven't had the chance to sit and talk to him. But I hope one day God will send a priest to the parish whom I can talk to. I would like to talk to him then about what are my options in serving God. Not in terms of joining the convent but in terms of probably doing missionary work.

I will miss Fr. G's sermons.... but God has other plans for him rite? Moving him back to be a full time lecturer at College General once more.

I have a friend who left for Kenya to do missionary work. She quit her job and just like that she is going to kenya. I met her during my discipleship class which took one whole year to complete. That was a class i never thought i could be so dedicated. But am proud to say I graduated with only missing 2 classes. That was about more than 2 years ago!!! Wow how time flies aye.?

So now I am embarking on Alpha Program. But alpha is abit different. Will talk more about alpha in another log..........

That's my thought on this sunday morning... am gonna go take a nap now.

All That Is Material!

I , mystic_grey was not born with a silver spoon stuck in her mouth! I was born into a family who's dad works really hard while mom stays home to care for the children. Mom was not allowed to work after she married my dad, coz my dad believes the children needs her. Being the second youngest in the family, I usually have to wear hand me downs from both my elder sister and elder brother. Be it t-shirts, jeans or whatever. I occasionally get my own new clothing.

I would say that I am not a person who go for a certain brand or expensive stuff just becoz its CK, Guess or whatever not! At one point in my life, I never stepped foot in these shops coz in my mind, I always had this voice saying that I cannot afford it. But as years go by, I managed to gather courage and walk to these shops. There are things that I can certainly afford but some things are just totally over priced. But sometimes you see something you really like. For me, I will probably think about it a thousand times before I buy.... But if I saw something really unique and i know that going back to the shop would only mean it won't be there anymore - I would probably buy it there and then.

So mystic_grey is one person who goes for things that she likes. For example, if she sees something she likes at pasar pagi, she would buy, she doesn't care if its from pasar pagi or if its cheap as long as its presentable and wearable - who give two hoots. So I have a mixture of things but for shoes, I am willing to spend but so far have not spend on anything beyond 200 though.

See I have friends who still think that if its not branded , its of low quality. I still remember how they used to give me the look (those look where they raise their noses and look at your funny, hahaha) when they say, hey nice pants - where did you get it from. I will say, eh my mom bought it at pasar pagi. They will go like.. FOR REAL! Yes, its for real, ding dong.

At this new work place too, there is this gal she would save save to buy branded things. So she told a colleague. She rather have branded things which last longer than those normal cheap things.. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. she went like mystic, dont' you agree. I just smiled. Okie why did I do that? Coz firstly, its just my first month there. Secondly, its none of my blinking business to tell her.. Its her bloodeee money! :P

If you know me, i am a simple person. I love living in my jeans. And If I can just dress in my jeans and Ts everyday, I would be in a very blissful state. I am also not that sort of person who spends hours and hours in the bathroom? What do they do there? Scraping something off their skin? Skin Renewal in the bathroom?

Anyways, its just me the simple living small town gal......................

Much Ado About Bonnies

Alrighty!!!!! Bonnie bonnie....

Just 2 days ago, I received an email from an ex-col. She mentioned that my bonnie at the previous co. The lady bonnie, has tendered her resignation. Not bad aye, managed to get a new job eventhough she has a sucky attitude hahaha. I bet this was a real hit in the face for the big boss which evidently was my ex-boss. Bonnie used to report to me and i have to say man... she is one hand full. But at least she found her way out from the shit hole that is really covering her up and suffocating her. Alot of people dislike her but ironically, they always look for her to get a job done for them. Very bad!!!

Anyways, reading this new male bonnie at work.. hmm.. he is another story altogether. Okie this bonnie dont' report to me lah. We are the same level. As after being a snr. manager for 3 months I decided that that's not the path I am ready for. So I settled for this job as just a kuli hehehehe... Anyways, this male bonnie, is really liked by my female boss. The weird thing is Bonnie M always disappear during working hours. Mind you - he goes missing for a long period of time. Like yesterday, he went for lunch at 11.30am. Then I didn't see his face until 3pm and then at 4pm he went back. Right on time... Can you believe it. And he says he got so much work. Aiyah Keling yan.

Anyways, that's none of my business but yesterday, the secretary was looking for us meaning all 3 people who sits in the tiny pigeon hole. I was in the lab since i came back from lunch at 1.30pm but I locked the room as things get missing and noting that the other two was not back from lunch , i didn't want to take the risk of having something stolen from the room.

So you see... the secretary was checking on us. She eventually found me in the lab but she didn't say no nothing to me... FISHY!!!!!!

Anyways, boss was back yesterday after a more than 2 weeks vacation..... maybe she is the spy for the boss....

But what is mind boggling is how can bonnie M escape the attention? MIA for 1 hour is understandable but for HOURS? Thats nuts.

Anyways, Bonnie M will be flying either to UK or US for Work transfer program. SEE BE a CHEAT , BE EVIL, you will always get compensated in this WORLD :P

Blogging

Blogging - It was never a thing that I thought I would actually do. I have been reading about blogging for awhile. But never really was interested in doing it.

Then sometime during mid last year while I was going thru frustrations in life, ringgit introduced me to blogging. He said just blog your feelings - be it anger or whatever. So it started from then.

I have a few favorite blogs which i read on a regular basis. My friend in Sydney introduced me to a blog which was written by a malay datin. It was very interesting blog. Alot of people read her blogs and alot of comments too. She eventually stopped writing as people started to send her nasty comments. I mean she writes about true things like how her step daughther a mere teenager already engaged in sexual activities and such.. she was very truthful and for that she was crucified. She stopped writing now. Actually she stopped writing since september last year. I kinda miss her blogs. I used to wait eagerly for her next update.

It was also from datin's blog that I chance into odissi's blog. I still remember the first time I told ringgit about the blog and I mentioned that odissi writes really really well. And I kena hantam from ringgit. Ringgit said that of course she writes well, she is a journalist. Of course I know DUH. I was admiring how well she writes and i am sure everyone wish that they can write that well too. Reading ringgit's blog I realized that he too reads her blog these days hahaha. Addictive aye?

Anyways... blogging is part of my life now but of course at times I also go thru the phase where I don't feel like blogging. The days where I feel really low and like ringgit always says.. dont' pass your negativy to others.. :( Maybe all I need is a listening ear but not really to get symphaty.

With No Car is like you're Feet has been amputated

Okie, I am sufferring the syndrom of not having the convenience of a car. Since, my car is in the hospital, I had to play on people's sympathy to loan me their car. Last week, I drove my younger bro's car to work since he was on leave. Since he is working, i can't parasite on him no more. Thought of talking the long train ride really make me so sien that I didnt' feel like going to work.

So my good old dad decided to loan me his car. Okie he drives a big car and it drinks fuel like water.... Chia lat leh. But i can't complain or else I will have to end up taking the train. But of course this "fantastic" arrangement will only last for a few days. I will end up taking the train to work on wed onwards unless my good dad decides he pities his little girl(hahaha) and allows her to carry on driving his car.

Tomorrow, I have no choice but to drive as its the beginning of my alpha class. Sigh... no car is like no legs lah. Really i don't really like to drive other people's car coz theres this pressure of having to be extra careful.

Anyways, alpah class will be good for me...... hopefully it will bring even closer to God.

My New Year's Day

The new year has begun. And how did I spend it? Well, woke up at 8.30am. Left home at 9.25 to catch a train(commuter) to PJ. Was suppose to met up with friends for a gift exchange session and also to watch The Phantom of the Opera.

I was surprised at 9.35 when i board the train, I still managed to get a seat. Maybe this is becoz i live quite far away - the station I am at is quite far away from KL. Anyways.. once we reached some of the places where there are more of those "pow tao" people, the train was jammed packed. The worse was when we reached S.A. Totally totally mind boggling - so many of them...

These people really dungu case. They stand so close to the door. When I was about to reach my station to alight. I step forward and said excuse me but none moved so I have to push my way thru and the "pow tao" gals immediately said.. aduih aduih.. ouch ouch. In my heart i was like then move your bloodee big arses so I can move.!!!!!

anyways, The Phantom of the Opera was worth watching. The actors are both good looking. The song is good too. Surprising , I just found out the guy who acted as the Phantom was actually the same actor from Tomb Raider. Wow what make up can do to your face. But their voices were great!!!!!

The day ended with my friend who is kind enough to drive me back from PJ to home..... long way mind you. But it was a great day....

Next on the agenda is playing board games- cluedo and pictionary at one of the gals house. Probably some time next week.

The Good Old Days.

Recently, my mind seems to drift back to the old days. When I say the old days its not that I am THAT old, just that it floats back to the time when I was still young. Sometimes I even see the images of me back then. Thats the power of mind. That is also another reason why, when I first have the visions i was afraid to tell as I didn't know if it was a figment of my imagination or was it real. I did ask God and I had this naggin answer at the back of my head - " Believe" Scary huh.

Back to the old times. When I was younger, there was no MC D at my home place. That is when i was stil in primary school. Back then I wore braces since standard 4. We then usesd to travel to SS2 - the orthodontist (spelling maybe off but too lazy to go check). After each session, I really really couldn't eat for days... Its horrible and your teeth feels so like sour. You get my drift. I hated these trips. But my mom, my good old mom, will usually take me shopping after that, she will take me to buy those pork floss and "bak kuah" and then to the book stores.. blablabla. I know my mom is not rich. In my family only my dad works and there is 4 of us. My dad doesnt' give my mom that much money hence the money is mostly saved by cutting corners when she shops for the house or when she goes marketing.

Since we didn't have Mc D in where i lived, which is a totally different place from the PJ area, the times when I could actually bite, she would take me there. Sometimes during the school holidays, she will take us all there, my brothers and my sister too. when she takes out the cash to pay, its pains my heart as I know with that she would need to cut corners for awhile.

Now adays, we eat mc D like nothing, even up to the point of jelak. Imagine... That's life isn't it. When we can afford things, we don't really cherish it anymore.

My dad would never do that for us. I am not saying that my dad is a bad person. Its just that his way of thinking and upbringing is different. I would say its his conservative mind that is working. He is a man who still thinks that with 100 ringgit you can buy a pair of jeans and couple of shirts! hehehe... that is why he never does his own shopping or esle he will end up empty handed at the end of it all.

The good old days - free of worries, parents providing the basic needs.
These days - stress, worries, working for the future which is uncertain. Thats our life huh!

Almost the End

As we all know the year is drawing to an end. As the newspapers start reminiscing on the year , we will be spread with pictures of the events that happened this year.

I guess in a way, this year has been a very significant year in most people lives. In some countries, some eventful things has happened - in Russia, in China, now the SEA area.

I guess in our lives too as we ponder back, this year has its major events. For mine yes. and it started with sadness and it also ended with sadness. And alot of sadness in between too.

Everyone is talking about the tsunami and why God let it happen. Its just like the september 11 case in the US. People will tend to blame God when thingslike this happen. I am one of the culprit too when things go wrong in my life. But I guess, if we think of it as this God is our Father, then He wouldn't let bad things happen to us. He has carved us at the palm of His hands and given us His son. God's has His reasons. Maybe its a lesson to mankind to be human and kind. But why all these poor countries are affected? Only God has the answer.

I want to start the new year with hope and wish that it will be a good year for me. I hoped that all the bad things are to happen has happened this year.

I leave you with this...


Friday, 31st December 2004 (Octave 7th Day: Jn 1:1,14-18)
Dear Friend in the Lord, God's Mystery: God is infinite. He has no beginning and no end. God created all human beings and the whole universe in His Wisdom and Love. This Truth is beyond our limited minds. Learn to interiorize this divine mystery in faith and to grow in gratitude and humility to God. Then live this as your 2005 resolution.

Fr Philip Heng, S.J.

Met with an accident

Sigh So sad. What a day!

Met an accident in the car park!!!!!! And the gall of the other person to scold me in 4 Letter word that starts with F. over and over again. I got so pissed off.. i told him its an accident and u should be using 4 letter word on me. Whatever the reason is, its not rite to do that. Anyways.. i was pissedd.. and i did defend myself.

My car is totally damaged in front but his car is still intact with just the side doors dented. And he was blooodee worried about his car. He kept saying that.. he just serviced his car.. he has to work this will create prblem for him. I was like what the heck! Like i don't have to work, like i care if he just serviced his car? Whats the relevance of it all to this accident.

Police report is the best.. claim insurance.. Irritating. Just bcoz he is male he thinks he can intimidate me... Wrong number babe....

anyways... time to think about buying a new care but it takes money and i promised myself i will not spend money.. liao.

Save for my - just incase i get into the mood to resign - days.. hahahaha.

I ended the year with a loud bang, boom and kaput!

Superficiality

Now that the Christmas carolling is over, i thought finally we wont' be hearing from superK for awhile. Hmm.. who is superK, you might ask? Well SuperK is the lead of the carolling thingy. Ringgit , remember i told you about her.

okie, as I was telling ringgit, SuperK treats us like kids. Don't fold the book, it looks awful in pictures. Make sure the girls put on lipstick since we are in the light. Sigh.. is that the reason why we are singing all these gigs and collecting the money? I thought it was for the HIV/AIDS victims in the home, the orphans in Pakistan, the poor nuns at the Little sisters of the poor? sigh... the purpose of this mission has been distorted.

I told ringgit that I am not going to confront her about how i felt about the whole thing. WHY? Firstly because I just went for confession, didn't want to taint my soul again. Secondly, I thought forgive and forget. Sigh, I thought that was the end of it.

But today, SuperK sent out an email stating that on 25th of Dec, during one of the gigs, some guy who was obviously totally pissed drunk.... put his arms around her. She got totally emotionally and paranoid about it. Coz it brought back memories about an incident that happened 2 years ago in the US while she was still ther studying in harvard doing her masters. Anyways.. .the point here is that she wrote this email balbalbablablabalba.. i am not going to get into details.. How she said that she gave the whole 500+ ringgit back to the event manager and told her to give the money to the charity directly. She felt that the event manager should have kept the place safe. .hmm.. whatever. Anyways... One gal from the carolling team wrote back and said its time to forgive and move on and the last line she made a statement about superficial faults....

So superK got pissed replied stating that what did that gal meant by Supeficial faults - obviously she didn't know SuperK... WAAA chia lat. anyways... the whole mission of doing charity for the good has turn out to be this. How sad!

Focus people Focus... the whole thing wasn't about you and me. It was and still is about them and HIM. Doing HIS work. Even if i look like a shit with or without lipstick or whatever.. as long as I am committed, came for the gigs... sang.. collected the money for the people... whats wrong with that?

Sigh..... Wrong number babe!

A sermon to ponder - Christmas Sermon

read this... http://jesuit.org.sg/html/advent.christmas/a.christmas.dawn.html

Fr. G asked, can you see Jesus in everyone that you meet?
And my answer would be, I wish I can.

The above link is not from Fr.G . Its a jesuit website that i subcribe to daily for readings to be sent to my mailbox. Its very good. But this one is special its about christmas and the meaning of it in your life.

Fr. G said on Christmas sermon, he knows that small gal from klang who is abused. she apparently has visited our church before and brought there by some people. Fr. G said, when the little gal sees him, she says - JESUS. fr. G said... that's how the little know him and has affiliated him with being Jesus. By the way, that little gal ain't a christian either. Gods work again? U Betacha.!

Mood Swings

Mood Swings - who hasn't experienced them before. Mind you from my obversation, i noticed that guys go thru mood swings too. So they shouldn't always be blaming women becoz of their PMS time that they have mood swings. At least we have a reason, but what the guys' reason?

Anyways, the weather over here where I am staying right now has been rather bleak for the last couple of days. The sky is almost constantly dark for the past 2 days. Thats how i feel inside me too.... dark and cloudy. Yeah - you're rite I am having the mood swing. Anyways, it also happens to be the time when my "best friend" is visiting. But I think this mood swing is more than the PMS thingy.

During this time of the year, some people would be penning down their new year's resolution. As for me, I have been guilty of that too in the past. I remember one time, I went to PD with a good friend of mine ( well we dont' talk that much no more as she seemed very bz with what she is doing and has forgotten all her friends) and we sat and wrote about our new year's resolution. It was around year 2000. I still have the piece of paper mind you :) Of course some of the things I have done and crossed out like my white river rafting - but it ain't rafting though, it was kayaking that I did.

I am not going to write any new year resolution this year. As I see it, its going to be mundane anyways. Almost every year since I was 21, I have a couple of the same things listed. It turns out every year!!! Its getting stale. Or another way of putting it, I am just giving up on it.

Recently, I have been dreading the new year to arrive. Why! you might ask? This is becoz a new year means getting a year older. I will turn a year older from yesterday in 4 months. Every year i dread it. But this year i dread it the most. Its 4 mths away and I am already thinking about it.

I have very few years left before I hit the 35. When that happens I guess, i have to rethink about my goals in life. 35 would mean tht chances of having my own family is going down the drain. I dare not even hope these days.

So I am having a bad day - yes. I am feeling very blue - YES.

Even though I welcome the new year for a different reason. I welcome it to mark the ending of the worse year of my life. Hoping that the year 2005 would be much better but yet I dread it due to the aging factor that it brings.

One hope for this year is that I will be able to move out of my comfort zone and let the Lord lead me where He wants me to go. Lord, I am willing to give a try. Lead me to where I will find peace and joy.

Christmas!

Today marks Christmas Day. Just like the ritual every year. I went for Mass and then afterwards, proceed home to open the pressies....

Today's Sermon was good. As usual Fr. Gerard is a very good speaker but alas, he will be leaving us soon to go back to the seminary to teach. That's actually his true role but for the last 4 years due to the low registration for priests he was actually posted out to do work. He was in our parish for 4 years now.

Today he told us that, this morning, he found a present in the crib which have they built on the altar. Every year there's a crib. But today at MASS, when he went there to bow to the Lord as per tradition at the beginning of the mass, he found something! That something was a bottle of milk. See in the crib, lay baby Jesus and Mother Mary and Joseph. Someone, Fr. doesn't know who that person is either, decided that Baby Jesus needed milk. Fr. G was saying that he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. but obviously this person's gestures comes from the heart. He then asked us, What are you giving Jesus on his birthday? If you don't know , you might want to consider this - going out of your comfort zone and go where the Lord wants to lead you.

He also asked us this, during the time when Jesus was born, there was no place for him at the Inn. Therefore he found shelter in the barn. Do you have a place for Jesus in your heart!!!!
I do have a place for Jesus in my heart. But whether i Feel him there everytime - is something questionable.

I love Fr.G sermon's it always touches you. His sermon always makes sense....

I am gonna miss his sermon as this will be the last Christmas he will spending with us.

Happy Birtheday JC.!

The Eve

For years, I used to go for the Mid Night Mass. Always being rushed to the Church at around 8 something eventhough mass only begins at 10pm. It always starts with a Play. Yeah a long one too. I never really appreciated it. And if you go thru it year after year it just becomes very mundane. Falling asleep during the mass is worse, probably the only time you're actually awake is during the peace exchange. hehehehe. You have to be awake....

Anyways, after my grandma who is already in her 80s came to stay with us and to top that up, there's the kids too? Well not really thats just an excuse hahahaa. Anyways.. since then, we will not go for the mid nite mass , but instead we attend the sunday morning mass. The difference? I think the difference is that its shorter and with you more awake, you get the message into your numb skull better..

For 2 years now, I have been carolling on Christmas EVE. Yeah sucks rite? But that's what call comittment. You made one and you have to keep to it. I actually promised myself that I won't sing this christmas eve. But somehow I got Sucked into. The sad part is , christmas eve is my late sister in law's birthday and tonite they have a stimboat to celebrate it eventhough she is no longer with us. Its kinda sad..... But i can't make it. Since i have alreayd made commitment to sing at royal selangor club and lake club. There is about only 10 of us singing - alot of them have FFK.

There's a history with the birth of my sister in law. My sis in law was born a non christian. I dont' like to use the word non believer. As I believe everyone has their own believes but it just may not be christianity. During her funeral the priest said. God has already planned Sarah's path. Sarah was brought to know a Christian family - which is my family. And later Sarah embraced christianity. God has brought her to a loving christian family and where she passed on in a good christian family too. And to see the link of both maybe it was God's will that she will pass on as a christian since she was born on Christmas eve. God's way is incredible and not something we can always understand. But the biggest frustration for me, eventhough I acknowledge this but its hard not to know....

Happy Birthday Sarah. May your Soul rest in peace....

Mulut Celupar

Okay, as I have mentioned before, I now have this male bonnie in my dept and that's not the worse thing, this bonnie sits in the same small room as myself and another guy. Okie this new company, they dont' know the concept of open office. Eveyone is placed in rooms - could be alone or with roommates. Due to renovation to build the open concept office floor by floor.... currently each room at least have 2 to 3 people.

Bonnie has a big mouth and sarcasm is his middle name. But the problem here is that he criticizes everyone but he can't take a criticism. As you know me, sometimes I can be quite sharp tongue. As I am not very patient also. So .... after taking all he has said for 2 weeks with patience , my patience was running out big time. So yesterday i told him, if you can give criticism you should be able to take it. Why i said that? Coz each time we say something to him, he will complain that we treat him bad , we are so sarcastic to him we are all the bad stuff.

But in actual fact usually it takes me longer to dislike a person but with him, its almost instantly. The problem here is he is also indian and as we all know, they are known for their mulut lah.... for whatever reasons...

Anyways... I pray that I will be moved soon or else i might end up being crazy. don't to him much also kena... talk also kena.. so how - you tell me!

Always wanna sibuk and act smart but his work he cannot finish.

GRRRRRRRRR

Christmas blues?

Hmm.. I don't think anyone can get christmas blues lah. But the flu bug is trying to get me. So far I am still able to withstand it. But for how long?

Been Sneezing and also my nose is pretty much stuffed up. What crap!!! and Christmas is just....5 days away...................... I have to sing on 24th!!!!!!! At 2 places, one at the hotel and another at lake club.. dang....

Worse scenario will be to fong fei kei. hehehehee.................

Letter to my dear JC

Dear JC,
Its almost Christmas time. Almost your birthday. Thank You being in my life all this time. I have known you since as long as I can remember. Its a long while now. JC, as you know our relationship has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes its like the hilly lands and sometimes green like the plains. Sometimes when the ride is rough, I get angry; I get frustrated. But if you notice JC, I always come back. Because, I have realized that without you and my faith, I am nothing.
My faith in catholism give me a rope to hold on during the times of trouble eventhough I feel like I am almost drowning. I think JC, You know that this year has been tremendously tough on me. Its still continuing.
JC, sometimes I wonder whether I will be able to endure all the pain like how you have endured and paid to give us salvation. JC, sometimes I dream about the life of utopia... doing something I love. Waking up each day and bursting with joy but on the other hand, I am living a totally opposite life. But in reality, can utopia exist in this earthly world, or utopia can only exist in heaven! Probably so.
JC, soemtimes I think about it. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. In comparison to alot of people I am a good person. But sometimes, I feel like such a bad person. Why can't I do more for the society, for the people... Why do I feel so unsatistified with myself. That's a sin in it all , isn't it. As Your Father made me in His image. And with all the imperfections that I have, I have read so many times that I am given gifts. I have said this many times that I am nothing , I have no talents, I have no gifts. That probably had hurt you and our mighty Father.
That is why in this sense I feel I am not a good person. But thats what being a christian is about rite, JC? Making mistakes, learning from it, and evaluating and then make the change for the better?
JC, thank You for being there during my trouble, during the times when I had hard time coping. Thank You for giving the visions that I have all this year. Thank YOu for all the things you have given me. No amount of thank you can describe how indepted I am to you. THank You for ending the sufferrings of Sarah. Thank You bringing her to be with you and by your side. THank You for giving me the vision of seeing her with you during her funeral day. Thank You for helping me withstand all the discriminations and alientions that I have gone thru all my life.
I want to hear you speak to me more JC. Sometimes in the stillness of the nites, I long to hear your message for me. I don't want to lose you in my life. I strive everyday to speak to you. Help me hear you JC. Help me hear what you have to say to me. Please be my mentor in this earthly life of mine.

Your loving follower,
M_G

Retro nite

Hmmm.. its almost 11.40pm and I just reached home from our Divison's Retro Nite. The theme was 70s. Well I hate to dress up but I wanted to go anyways. Was told its okay not to dress so I went.

It was surprise to see that everyone is so sporting. that included the managers who actually performed. Its also not surprising to see that majorti of a certain race participated in GIS Idol hahaha.

Anyways.. that takes away abit of stress from current situation. all I can say is that coming from a prestigous company and going into a new company is really stressful.... your profile is so high that people's expectation of you is high too.

Well........... i have one thing to say ringgit... i now have another sorta bonnie only this time its a guy and he thinks he can boss us around...

sigh...... I hate the corporate world.

Confession

Its that time of the year where its encouraged to go for confession as often as possible but some people like me wait till before christmas to do it :)

Waiting for your turn during confession is the real test of patience. Firstly, there will mega zillions of people just like me doing that one year off thingy... So stand in line patiently and praying hard that more priest will show up.

My confession waiting time today is one hour. and mind you!!! 1 hour standing in line huh.

then I was like trying to remember the Act of Contrition rite... i mean i only say it once a year!!!! DUH of course I forget. I wrote it down in a paper before I went. And after confessing and then the priest said.. say the act of contrition now.. i just blanked. and he stared at me.. and said again. Say the Act of Contrition :) then i just went thru it like the bullet train hahahhaa... but at least he didnt' stop me and say, you said it wrongly so I pretty much guess I did it rite :)

Lately I have been very tired. WHy? Dunno. I still duno what to expect of this new job but looks like its leaving behind the O technology and doing more on windows stuff.

I just hope whatever it is , it won't involve coding... my greatest nitemare...

Ciao.. eyes closing...
heart bleeding.....

Winter Wonderland

We are into the 3rd week of Advent already. Christmas is around the corner.
I have enjoyed the carolling practises we had and the gigs we performed. I have to say that this year's carolling ain't as good at the last year's but then again last year we had more people.

Like today's gig at Sheraton, we only had 7 people in total. I guess it takes commitment to be involved in things like this. I enjoyed the singing eventhough I do hope that my voice will still be there when Christmas appoaches. Its almost cracking already.

During this Christmasy time, I sometimes think about thos good old days when christmas time was white. I love the first snow. When it falls its just so beautiful, light and clean. I like to see the first snow not in the normal light but how it looks under the neon lights. And how it feels, so fluffy and light. I used to dine with this guy at the dining center. I forget how i got to know him. Probably thru mimi hmmm.. and mimi is one gal who flirts with all the guys be it white or whatever color. all i can remember is there are about 4 of us who used to dine together.

One late evening, while walking back from having dinner at the dining center, we saw the first snow and what more under the streets lights. As you know, the sky gets dark very early during winter time. I was going on and on about how beautiful the first snow look under the street lights. and how clean it is and fluffy and the beautiful formation of the snow flake. He just stared at me like I have gone nuts.

I mean Jason has lived all his life in the US. He is an American. So he is so used to these things that he hardly sees the beauty in it anymore. As for me, i cherish every experience and moment that I am there as I know thats its only temporary that i get to live in such a 4 seasoned place. I wish in my heart then and even now that I had the chance to live on there.

The first snow is beautiful but the slush which it turns into at the end or almost at the end of the winter is gross. And the end of winter is the worse coz when the ground is wet and summmer approaching those earth worms will start creeping out. and its every where. And its not the short ones that we see here.. its long and i mean long.... At nite when you walk back to the dorms, you can't see em.. and you step on them.. GROSSSSSSSSSS.... and as you know, everywhere in the dorm is carpetted. So you walk in and step on the carpets with this stuff stuck to the bottom of your shoes. :)

You know, I get melancholy when I think about the past and esp during Christmas time. Think about the 3 White Christmases I spent in the states. Then I remembered, my ex company's MD used to say. People who live in the past will not progress into the future. :(

But whatever it is, I miss the times of the winter wonderland. The times where I layed on the snow and made snow angels and the snow man...... Thos were the beautiful times in my life.

I never did have many friends. I think its my nature that I am very cautious with getting close to people. but anyhow, some good people still find their way to me and we cross path and met. The beauty of fate.

What I wish for Christmas would be to find that man in my life and have a loving family. Whether that will be realized or not is a different matter. But at least i have a wish

Counting down to Christmas....

The Age Factor

I have to admit that this topic has been running in my mind for awhile now. At the time before i hit 30 it was constantly on my mind. Then when I hit 30 - it wasn't that bad.
Just recently it got me thinking again. How did this come about?

Well, I went for carolling at the mall yesterday like infront of public audience , infront of ppl we dont' know :) Anyways.... 3 of us were in the car and were talking and apparently all 3 of us changed jobs this year. One of us was in HR. So she mentioned that should move before we hit 35. Coz once we hit 35 no one would wanna hire us anymore. How sad....

I mean why do people need to look at age as a factor? Isn't that unfair? What if I am 35 but and a hardworker and also a good employee - wouldn't that count for something. How come our asian culture doesn't give a person in their 30s to change their job function or change of career.

I have read in the newspapers , overseas where poeple change their jobs at age of 40 to different areas of their career. Some even to a totally new field.

I got me thinking. What if i hit 35 and decides that IT is not for me no more. Would it mean that I still have to stick to it and suffer with it till i retire? What a horrid thought.

This world....

the mind

i started a new job - my 3rd new one this year. Its been about 3 days now. Often when i get back from work, I switch on the pc and then i logon to blogger but some or rather I don't feel like writing so I log off again.

I can't begin to explain how i feel inside. I believe my problem with myself is so deeply rooted that I don't know what it is anymore.

Something really terrible about me. My Mind - is constantly analyzing , thinking and on top of all worrying. Every little bit of things - I will ponder and analyze and think. That part of it has brought many many problems in my life.

But I can't switch it off. Constantly, even during sleep, my mind if ticking. Maybe that is why I can't have a good sleep.

Maybe thats the reason why I am so tired. I am mentally drained.

I think alot I have to admit. I have to find a reason for everything. But maybe life is like that, you can't find a reason for everything.

I remember once in my philosophy class, I was asked by the professor. You're a christian. why do you believe in God. How do you know there's God. I said.. for me, its like the air you breath, you can't see it yet you know its there. That's how it is for me. Maybe that's faith....

This Advent season, I have been praying to have this part of me sacrificed to God. I need to be able to leave my fears and worries to Him. Its tough.

SIgh... i don't know what to do.....

my mind - the ultimate confusion in my life.

Tired...

I am tired.... Tired tired tired.
of what?
of every damn thing in my life. Both physically and mentally tired.

wish I can be carefree.